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Monday, August 29, 2005

The Weight In My Heart

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The dark is especially cold tonight
The streets are so desolate and quiet
The sky is empty, starless and grey
Car's are whizzing past in the swirling rain

I feel the wet grass blades underneath my feet, and the drizzle of tears that fall from above
I notice the hanging tree branches reaching out into the world, longing to hold and be held, and desperate to touch
Voices are intermingling – candlelight, faces, smiles, and warm words
A hollowness that shouldn't be disturbed
I am having a conversation with someone I am not listening to, and who isn't listening to me...
Aloneness is a ubiquitous disease

The weight in my heart is heavy and it crushes my breath
I see sadness everywhere, tonight

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Empty Spaces

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I feel as though I'm in a large dark room
And I cannot see very far ahead
I'm sitting with old familiar faces... distant, listening, nodding...
and I am elsewhere in this otherworldly place.
I think people's spirits drift away in rooms like this, all alone, dispersing into thin air
I think they grow bitter and cold
I think their heart's shrink as they grow old.

When you break one into two, what remains is two incomplete, broken pieces
Shattered, broken pieces of glass
And without you, girl, for the time being I am but half
And in all of the empty spaces I am drawn back into our world
The remnants of your wake left in the places we broke apart

But girl,
I saw what you wrote last night
I lived your strident public display, your charming evocation informing your explicit fantasy
And I was just happy for those feelings inside you
I no longer cared whether I was responsible for them
I just saw the light break and embraced the sad sight of your wings fluttering away
From my vantage in the shade
Saying goodbye, my love, is no longer a masquerade.

Friday, August 19, 2005


Images flashing through my mind
Memories of past and present, elucidating lost time
Running around as a kid, playing football outside my estate block
A ball, friends, and gradiose dreams until ten o'clock
Carol walking into the living room telling me that Dean had died
The emotional detachment, emptiness, fear, and pride
Reading at his funeral, when the sadness emerged
Infront of that packed church the reality of his loss, and my heart finally converged
The volatility of my adolescence, spent embracing the company of others
The sight of my father and uncle, strolling down the white stone village pathways in Cyprus, rekindling their beginnings as brothers
The softness I sensed behind her tears on the phone
The beautiful depravity we evoked, our own nightmarish world
"Ocean Greyness" in the art gallery at the Venetian Hotel
Those five days in Vegas when my delusions were dispelled
Her intricate beauty, her depth, her charm, and her grace
Her specialness is something that I shall never replace
The long, vast road that lies ahead
All of the possibilities, all of the dread
Bound by shackles I rarely notice are there
Of this I must always remain aware
The residual hurt will dissolve through time
And all that will remain are her recollections and mine...

Thursday, August 18, 2005


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I've acquired this bad habit of saying goodbye
And yet what lives on in my heart never withers nor dies
The guilt and the sadness... it plagues me inside
The memories of all those I've left behind

My masquerade is the utterance of the word goodbye

Friday, August 12, 2005


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Solemnity forsaken by the blossoming gloom
The masquerade finally fades
Sunlight recedes into the black edges of the sky
Time erodes our memories in the midst of the night
Everything pales by comparison
All that is left is a vague sensation
Of the way we held each other's hand through the overcast azure...
The way feeling you by my side was the most potent cure

How I let you down, How I walked away
How I didn't retain the strength to continue on through the pain
And be your well, your resource, your core, and your rock
To be everything you deserve, regardless, no matter what
All I want is for us to spend today
Hiding in the places where our oneness lay
Walking along streets in our make believe world
...someplace where our bullshit could never unfurl

Where none of the past would dilute our exchanges
And none of our sad memories would ever re-surface
All I want is for us to be free
And yet all I want is for I to be we
All I want is to be by your side
Your soul mate and dastardly partner in crime
Holding each other's hand through the overcast azure...
Being your boy, my love, is the best fucking cure